Strained Relations with the Neti Pot

This is a Neti Pot:

A neti pot is an Ayurvedic (I don't know what that is) way of clearing the sinus passages to reduce the frequency and severity of sinus problems.

I bought myself a neti pot because it was recommended to me by a friend who hasn't had healthy sinuses since the Reagan administration.

I went to the local Whole Foods where it wasn't too expensive despite being a pretty attractive piece of pottery. The pot told me to get special "Neti Salt," but since that was $20, I told the pot to stop being so elitist. I went home and filled it up with warm water, and on a commercial break from TLC's "Toddlers and Tiaras," I headed to the bathroom to give it a go.

It was traumatizing. It was like being on the beach when you fall and the salt water fills your nose and mouth and then you get hit in the face by a Boogie Board. I tried to keep going, to keep drowning myself with iodized table salt and backwashed flood water, but it was overwhelming. Additionally, by this point, I had already missed the Glitz portion of the Miss Southern Junior Maison de Paris Pageant on "Toddlers and Tiaras." I wasn't willing to sacrifice Photogenic or Talent for the sake of mucociliary clearance, so I decided to wait for another commercial break.

Then it started working. Which was equally devastating. Water starts flowing freely out... the other nostril at an alarming rate. I was too afraid to stop. Stopping hurt. Stopping led to drowning. So I just let the water keep flowing, and in two minutes, I had cleared the pot.

All in all, it was like being water-boarded.