Faking Bacon

There is never a good reason to have bacon. There are terrible reasons to have bacon, and then there are great reasons.

Terrible reasons:

Being hungry
Free continental breakfast
Eating a BLT
Hating swine

Great reasons:

Ironic accidents

That’s pretty much the only one I can think of. If you just got hit by a car on your birthday, for which you were given a ski trip to the Alps, I’m not going to be the one to stop you from eating bacon if that’s what makes you happy. I’m just macrobiotic. I’m not unreasonable.

But barring strange and unusual accidents, you should probably steer clear of the sizzly stuff. Look at it this way: Back when the Old Testament was written, they had leprosy, typhoid fever, bubonic plague, massive, carnivorous desert lions, and God banned pork.

That’s unsettling.

If you’re like me, you were raised on bacon. If you’re Southern, it’s in everything. Its ubiquity in home cooking warrants a place on the periodic table of the elements. It’s in your meat dishes, your vegetable dishes, your French fries, your desserts… and it’s usually stored in a reusable run-off jar under your kitchen sink.

When I became macrobiotic, one of the last meals I ate had bacon in it. I threw it up, and it lost some (but not all) of its appeal. Last week I was screamed at by a regular customer at the coffee shop who wrecks my world every Tuesday morning. I very much look forward to addressing her shortcomings in my final week at the shop. I came home and for the first time in several years, truly, deeply needed bacon.

Did I mention I also had six ears of corn hanging around?

So here's how you fake bacon in dishes. Don't go out and buy "facon." For one thing, it's almost never gluten-free. For another, it's usually processed to the point that it's no longer real food. If something has been flattened, mashed, and dyed to resemble the food it's avoiding, for your health's sake, you might want to just eat the original. At least you know where it came from.

I LOVE this fake bacon because:

1. It's from real, whole foods.

2. It's cheaper than fake bacon.

3. It tastes amazing

4. It can be easily crumbled into "bacon bits."

Mmmm...

TEMPEH BACON

1 pack of tempeh, I prefer wild rice.

2-3 tbsp. toasted sesame oil

2-3 tsp. Bragg's Liquid Aminos

Slice tempeh into thin, bacon-esque strips. Heat sesame oil at medium-high in a cast iron skillet. Throw in the strips, and as they sizzle, hit them with a generous squirt of Bragg's. Let it really sizzle. Flip, and allow further sizzling to occur.

The important thing is that when you remove the strips, you allow the tempeh bacon to dry properly. Otherwise it gets soggy and limp. Lay strips on paper towels on a plate so that the oil gets absorbed properly.

Enjoy "bacon" adventures!