Today, I burned off all the hair on my left arm. It happened so fast. I have never truly understood the phrase, "Vanished in a puff of smoke" until today when I decided to cuddle the stove hood with my forearm.
For your viewing pleasure, I've listed the top three implements of injury, tales of woe, and explicit instructions on how to avoid macrobiotic peril.
Because you can strengthen your kidney and detoxify your liver, but that won't save you from wrecking your fingers.
The Circle Grater
Good For: Daikon Relish, Grated Ginger
Injury: Knuckle Grating, Mild-Moderate
Pain Factor: Eye-Watering
Karmic Retribution For: Thinking mean thoughts. Not replacing empty toilet paper roll.
How to Save Yourself: Spread goodness and cheer, and don't beat yourself up over grating that last inch of daikon radish. Save it for the stock. Your knuckles will thank you for it.
The Mandolin
Good For: Pressed Salad
Injury: Complete Finger Pad Removal
Pain Factor: Stitches
Karmic Retribution For: Double-Parking, Chewing Loudly
How To Save Yourself: Fact: 90% of mandolin injuries are immediately preceded by: "What?" Don't look up. Don't blink. If somebody asks you a question, calmly place the mandolin to one side of the cutting board. Don't freak out. Don't smile and gesticulate with your free hand. It doesn't impress anyone. It shaves off your fingerprints.
Additionally, there's an interlocking plate with a grid of spikes that holds your veggies in place and serves as a guard for your fingers.
The Microplane
Used For: Zesting Lemons
Injury: Knuckle Grating, Moderate-Severe
Pain Factor: Subtle Crying
Karmic Retribution For: Creepy Lurking, Eavesdropping
How To Avoid Injury: The thing about the microplane is that it isn't the grating... it's grating your knuckles, then getting lemon juice in the wound. The only way to avoid this injury is to use a new microplane. If your microplane gets dull, pitch it, recycle it, repurpose it... It's much easier to hurt yourself on a dull microplane one than a sharp one.
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