"Man, I don't know how you do it! You're really missing out!"
While I really appreciate the sentiment and understand that this is an attempt to reach out from beyond the animal by-product veil, please know that I always eat beforehand and always have a few bars in my bag to nosh on if I get hungry, so I am actually fine.
That being said, I'd like to share this list... truly magnificent... Even though I can't actually eat any of this food anymore, I really appreciate the innovators who make them. To quote the philosopher Willy Wonka, you are the music makers, and you are the dreamers of dreams.
And in honor of this totally mindblowing list, I'd like to share a recipe...
THE SINFUL SANDWICH
A Sandwich by Becky Paxton
4 slices of Bunny Bread
1/2 stick butter
1 beef stick
8 slices sharp cheddar cheese
No vegetables. Not even onions.
Butter your Bunny Bread on each side of the slice. That should be 8 sides, fully buttered. Make sure it's a thick coat so it doesn't stick to the pan. Slap the remaining butter in a cast-iron skillet and heat so that it forms a hot puddle. If it starts smoking, you've burned it, and you've got to chuck it. Burned butter gives you cancer. That's assuming you survive the sandwich.
Briefly pan-fry each slice of bread until they show the faintest glow of golden brown. The merest suggestion of deep-fried crust. I would pull aside the two slices that are the least "done" on one side and use that side as the respective top and bottom side of the sandwich to avoid burning.
Stack:
Bread
Cheese
Bread
Cheese
Beef
Cheese
Bread
Cheese
Bread
Pan-fry everything. If it isn't golden, oozing, or crisping, it needs to be fried again. Possibly separately.
I am proud to say that this sandwich is in my past. It doesn't even sound appetizing to me anymore when I think about it stripping my intestinal villi like coke from the hood of a car. It would be the dietary equivalent of seppuku.
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