Bandana Drama

Part of my new uniform for the kitchen is a bandana. I'm pretty psyched about it, because y'all know me and accessories. In my head, I was gonna look like the super-tough chefs at Veggie Planet who wear bandanas and have leather jackets with shrapnel all up in them that weigh like, twenty pounds. I have tried on these jackets before. They're like exoskeletons.

I tried out several styles. As it turns out, I can't wear a bandana without looking like:

• A New Kid on the Block
• American Al Quaeda
• Lucille Ball

I'm not sure which of these is worse.

It turns out, some people just don't look cool in bandanas.

I have a friend from Dorchester who, every time she wears a bandana, I swear a Spanish guitar starts playing in the background and someone throws a red rose in her general direction. Another friend of mine has this amazing curly hair and has the most perfect bandana feng shui I've ever encountered. You know those friends you have who look really cool, and late at night you sneak into your bathroom and try to do that thing they did with the bandana? And they look like a magazine editorial and you look tired and crazy?

Yeah.

It's like that.

So over the next five months, we'll just have to wait and see if I can figure out a way to wear this that doesn't make me look like a pontiff or a mountie. I mean, I'm totally up to the challenge. Let's not play games. I'm totally going to conquer the bandana. But I might need to wash some of the starch out of this thing first.

The Elucidated Brotherhood of Baristas

I love the Elucidated Brotherhood of the Service Industry. There is, among brethren in the service of the public, a code.

A bystander may hear the following interaction between a member of the Brotherhood and the barista behind the counter.

"You guys survive the holiday?"

"You in the service too?"

"Yeah, I'm at Downtown Crossing."

"Starbucks?"

"Peets."

"That's real."

This is what you're not hearing. The secret conversation.

"You guys survive the holiday?"

"Did you have a 211 degree drink thrown in your face too? Because I did."

"You in the service too?"

"I see that you, too, know what a gift card paper cut feels like."

"Yeah, I'm at Downtown Crossing."

"Your customers make you taste the drink you just made them because they think 'it tastes funny.' I found an unconscious guy in the bathroom at my location. I'm not sure which is worse."

"Starbucks?"

"Don't smile. If the cameras see us smiling, we'll be subject to a tribunal."

"Peets."

"Now is the time when you make me a free drink or give me a ridiculous discount."

"That's real."

"Of course, brother. Someday we'll meet again, in that big frother in the sky."

I mention this, because I just had this exact same conversation, and got a $3 discount at Starbucks.

Miso 3-Ways

I've been feeling awesome lately, because I've been dutifully drinking my morning miso. I used to get these "morning colds," when I'd wake up and my nose would be running like crazy, and I'd be a sneezing and sniffling mess! I added morning miso, and that cleared up in two days.

If your miso is in a rut, there are many great ways to break free and get a great, lively morning dish!

Vary your dish in terms of protein, carbs, simmering flavors (celery and onion become bolder the longer they cook), and healing intention, and you'll never get bored. You can click on the image to enlarge it.

Miso 3-Ways

"Minnesota Miso" "Mirepois Miso" "Grounding Miso"

"Minnesota Miso"

• Chickpeas
• Leeks
• Wild Rice

"Mirepois Miso"

• Carrots
• Celery
• Onions
• Whole Grain/Gluten-Free Spiral Pasta

"Grounding Miso"

• Carrots
• Burdock
• Daikon
• Onions

Holiday Eating

Most of my posts are written as someone who has already been on the macrobiotic diet for some time, with those pitfalls and successes in mind.

I wanted to write for those of you who may be new to the lifestyle, considering a change for the new year. A member of my family is in this position, attempting to change from a VERY American diet to a diet that facilitates healing and freedom from disease.

If this is you, if your gift to yourself this year will be healing, I can't think of a better gift.

My mom and I were arguing this morning, because we come from two different schools of thought. Her school of thought is, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." My school of thought is, "Well, yeah, but grandma's pot roast!"

Basically, my mom's perspective is that the day you decide you're ready to put down that bacon and step away from the bacon is the day you begin to heal. I totally agree. The first step is crucial. When you're ready to commit to a new lifestyle, the sooner you commit 100%, the sooner you feel better.

That being said, food isn't just about food. If you're in a place where your food choices rule your quality of life, that cookie isn't just a cookie. And the holidays are the hardest time of year, because we eat certain dishes in an almost ceremonial way. It's dad's special turkey that you flew all the way home to eat. It's mom's Christmas cookies, written in her cookbook that you inherited when she passed. The holidays are a tender, emotional time, and food is integral.

It's not impossible to begin a new healing diet at this time of year, merely very very very very very difficult.

To make things even more complicated, in our culture of SUPER yin diseases (diabetes, kidney problems, Crohn's disease, cancer), winter is the time when our bodies are weakest, when our health often collapses. Those "seasonal flus?" What time of year do they happen in?

So here, we have family and friends sharing dishes that make our hearts feel good, while on the other hand, our bodies are bloated and falling apart. What are we to do?

I began my macrobiotic transformation under Ginny's guidance during the Christmas holiday. For me, it was a little easier because I couldn't keep the food down long enough to enjoy it. For many people, if digestion isn't your main symptom, it makes changing your diet at the holidays hard. I was punished at a 1:1 ratio. Eat the bad cookie, throw it up. But some people don't get directly "punished" ten minutes after they eat. It's more subtle. Does that mean that seven days of clean eating later, they wouldn't feel better? No. It just means that it's that much harder for them to do it, because they don't notice the difference right away.

I believe the most effective healing change you make is the one you make right away. That being said, be aware of your emotions.

1. Separate the food from the feeling. If you've had a painful, difficult year, you may associate the warm, comforting foods of the season with safety and nurturing. This makes sense. We're going back to our family and our loved ones, and they care about us and take care of us. You may remember loved ones who are no longer with you, and feel connected to them with the food you used to share.

It feels scary to give up these meals. It feels like we're losing something we'll never get back. But here's the thing. The food remains the same, but you've changed. Your body can't handle that stuffing and turkey like it used to. Letting it go isn't loving your parents or grandparents any less. It's loving yourself enough to know that you have limits, and it's time to establish new, healthier traditions so you can be around for your children and grandchildren. The way the food industry is going, these kids are getting horrible digestive disorders and allergies. It's up to us to create the healthy, healing holiday dishes that they'll remember for the rest of their lives. To create dishes they'll never have to give up.

2. Create new traditions. When I went macro, I cried a lot. I felt like everybody was leaving me behind, and I was left alone in this weird place with this weird food. My body had withered from a size 10 to a size 2, and I had the stretch marks and weird, deflated body of a very sick person. I felt so alone.

Then my friends caught up with me. They saw that I was struggling and isolated, and we started to hang out and make meals that I could eat. I got more adventurous in the kitchen, because I wanted my friends to love the meal I made them. A couple of these dishes gave us all such joy when we ate it, that the feeling stayed with the dish. I went home, channeled that happiness and peace and sense of belonging, and prepared two dishes for Thanksgiving. As I ate, I remembered the taste and how amazing it felt to have friends who cared for me and were willing to meet me on my level.

Ta da! The feelings are back! The ones we just talked about! Only this time, they're not wrecking my health! They're supporting and nurturing it!

3. Imagine who you want to be.

There's a moment in every macrobiotic counseling journey when the counselor asks the patient, "What is the one thing you want the most?"

For some people, it's a life without pain. Ginny has said in her book, she wanted to be alive and healthy to teach her children to ride a bike and play. I wanted to take journeys and live new places and work and study. I couldn't do any of those things throwing up every day. Honestly, even before that, when my health was collapsing, it was hard to do those things. I went to Scotland and had to leave a month early because my health was so bad. I wanted the strength to see the world.

You can't reach a destination if you don't know where you're going. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do?

This post is dedicated with love and appreciation to May, Allison, Eddie, Natalie, Claire, and friends everywhere who looked up "gluten" and "macrobiotic" on wikipedia, who took the time to call me and ask what a kuzu was or where one might obtain umeboshi vinegar. I could never have done this without you.

Christmas Sushi!

Christmas Sushi!

Roll 1: Sauerkraut, Avocado, Brown Rice, Garbanzo Beans, Flat-Leaf Parsley

Roll 2: Teriyaki Shiitake Mushrooms (see below for sauce), Brown Rice, Green Onions, Black Sesame Seeds

Sushi Tips from The Land of the Rising Sun and Hello Kitty:

--If your nori is dry, hold it 6-8 inches above a burner on low heat until the edges begin to wilt. It rolls much easier!

--To get that real "Japanese Restaurant" flavor, AND to get those irritating grains of rice off your hands, use brown rice vinegar on your hands!

--A sushi mat is crucial. It's really tough to make the rolls without them.

Macrobiotic Teriyaki Sauce

3 tbsp. gluten-free Tamari

3 tbsp. brown rice syrup

1 tsp. kuzu dissolved in cold water

4-5 tbsp. mirin

Whisk your ingredients, and pour the combined mixture over whatever you're teriyaki-ing. It's pretty essential to fry whatever you're teriyaki-ing in toasted sesame oil, not just sesame oil (and definitely not olive oil).

Happy Sushi-ing!

Merry Christmas!!

Ho ho ho! My celiac decided to flare on Christmas Eve (I guess I was bad this year!), so I'm steering clear of the yin, and indulging in other ways! I am totally in love with the stylist, Mrs. Lilien, so in an homage to her, I present to you, my Christmas indulgences!

By reading my blog and talking with me, you guys have given me an amazing gift in 2011. I can't wait to be back with bigger and better things in 2012!

Have a wonderful and safe Christmas holiday!

Healing Teas!

When I began the macrobiotic diet, the thing that was possibly the strangest to me was the notion of "healing tea."*

*When I say "tea," I don't mean camillea sinensis, or black/green tea. I mean an herbal/vegetable infusion in hot water.

During my Residential Program with Ginny, she gave me what seemed like a constant stream of teas. There was umeboshi plum tea for my nausea, a special herbal tea to combat the side effects I was suffering from phenergan, and tea for sleeping. On top of that, there was the sweet vegetable drink (which seems a lot like a macrobiotic tea, being hot and made of veggies), and ume sho kuzu tea.

These teas were totally foreign to me. This isn't just Lipton we're talking about! Many of these teas take half an hour or more to make, and involve both fresh and foreign ingredients. One of my favorite teas that she gave me when I had a sinus infection was lotus root tea to clear out my lungs. It has a wonderful sweet, almost floral taste to it.

My family has weak kidney issues, and December-February are particularly challenging months for us. Three members of my family have suffered serious kidney ailments in the deep winter (myself included), and having already suffered the pain and discomfort once already, I wasn't eager to do it again!

Ginny has me drinking Aduki Bean Tea, which has been amazing in its efficacy. I can already feel the weakness in my kidneys strengthening. The puffiness under my eyes, an indication of kidney weakness, has already begun to shrink. I know that when the skin around my eyes clears from the breakout I have, my system will be in great shape. I use my skin like a barometer... when I have a breakout, it means that there's an imbalance internally. When it clears, I will feel confident that I'm in a place of good health.

The only side effect I'm having from the tea is some nausea and stomach weakness on the days I drink the tea. The Great Book of Macro said that some thinness or weakness of constitution can be expected with a strong tea like this, and to add a few drops of tamari if it bothers me, so I'm going to do this tomorrow. My stomach is none too happy at the moment.

I've also decided to drink this tea in the morning. I had it before bed last night and it was a disaster. But the benefits to my kidneys are so valuable, I've decided that a little discomfort is worthwhile. In the mean time, I'm eating the leftover beans from the tea with some plain daikon, and pushing the deep greens!

One last note, I am SO EXCITED about what my cousin and I have planned for Christmas. We're doing a macro Christmas meal of kale and bean soup, and sushi rolls. I'm remaking my old stand-by, beef negimaki, macro style. Beef negimaki is teriyaki beef with bright scallions. I'm doing a teriyaki shiitake mushroom maki with raw scallions, and I'm SO EXCITED! Pictures will, of course, be forthcoming :)

Taking the Sin Out of Holiday Sweets

Merrrrryyy Christmas!

Gearing up for the holidays down in Nashville! After a positively sinful batch of gluten-free vegan iced sugar cookies that I sadly failed to document (I ate them too fast), I took a few days off from the indulgences of the season. I returned in full swing today, when I made lumps of coal. I didn't invent the recipe, and it's GENIUS, so I can't print it, unfortunately, but I'm sure you guys can come up with something like it.

So before we eat all this truly snackro junk, we need to take a dose of Vitamin Real.

Just because there's no sugar/gluten/dairy/eggs in something, that doesn't make it healthy. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but many people I served at Tealuxe seemed to think otherwise, and I want to keep it real with y'all. There are three kinds of foods that we need to be mindful of, especially during the weaker months of winter:

Health-Supportive, Neutral, and Detrimental Foods.

Health-Supportive foods are foods our body draws nutrition and strength from. Things like adzuki beans, deep leafy greens, and whole grains. These are foods that have centering energy that make us feel calm and well-supported.

Detrimental foods are foods that weaken our body and pull us too strongly in a direction. There are some foods that are obviously more weakening than others (Cheetos Xtra Hots, Red Bull, etc. are worse than organic, vegan, fruit-sweetened waffles), but it's important to be realistic with what our bodies can handle. For a person with an extremely yin affliction, like a severe candida overgrowth (yeast infection), that fruit-sweetened waffle can cause just as much pain and discomfort as the Cheetos cause a healthy person.

Neutral foods are "fillers," foods that aren't really bad for us, but can keep us from eating the good foods we need. I do this a lot. My big one is rice cakes with hummus. Bad for you? No! But if it replaces brown rice? Yes!

OK! So the dose of Vitamin Real has been swallowed.

On to the sweets!

MAKING DELICIOUS PARTY TREATS THAT DON'T SINK YOUR PROVERBIAL BATTLESHIP.

Let's take a recipe from Queen Martha and clean it up a little, the Snackro way.

Cranberry Pistachio Biscotti

Cause don't nobody not like biscotti for Christmas

First, we identify the problems with the original recipe.

• Right off the bat, I see gluten. Some of you may not have a problem with it, but I have celiac, and this would sink my battleship. Let's cut it out.
• There's some serious butter going down. Let's cut that foolishness before we get some mayhem.
• I see a whole lot of sugar. I'm going to hit it and quit it.
• Because I'm taking out the wheat and butter, I'm taking out the cornmeal so it's not too dry. Baked goods with corn dry out in a hot minute, and without the moisture that the gluten protein locks in, leaving this corn in would be a bad idea. Just be sure to replace this amount with more of your chosen flour mix.

I'm replacing the wheat flour with a mixture of brown rice and chickpea flour. I'm doing a ratio of 3/4 brown rice to every 1/4 chickpea. I'm doing it because brown rice isn't "sticky" when it bakes, so you need something a little spongier, but chickpea is too sticky and spongy if used alone, so we're mixing.

The butter can either be replaced with Earth Butter, which is a little processed for my taste, or replaced with flax seed or safflower oil.

I'm replacing the sugar with 1/2 c. orange juice and 1/4 c. agave nectar. Agave is SO sweet, it's incredibly important to do it in moderation.

NOTE:: If you replace the sugar with liquids, IT IS DIRE that for every cup of liquids that substitute dry sugar, you combine ALL LIQUIDS OF THE DISH (oils, agave, juice, etc), mix, and remove 1/3 c. for every cup of liquid added. Otherwise, you get soup, not biscotti.

It's also important at this point to add 1 tsp. kuzu root dissolved in cold water so that your mixture sticks together.

Voila! Just keep in mind, with animal products, gluten, and sugar, it's pretty easy to replace 2 of the 3 categories, but the more categories you replace, the farther the texture and taste get from the original recipe. Also, there's a MUCH greater difference between replacing 2 and 3 categories than there is replacing 1 and 2 categories. Meaning, if you replace 1 category, you probably won't tell the difference. Two, you'll be able to tell the difference, but it's still pretty good. Three? It'll be a whole different dish, and it will pretty much always taste like "health food."

Preparing for My Study, Teeth

Six years ago to the week, I had my wisdom teeth removed. Because I have a form of hemophilia, this had to be done in the hospital, so I was scared out of my mind. A sweet friend of mine who is a cancer survivor graciously agreed to walk my chicken butt down to the dental surgery wing. At this opportunity, she could have said things like,

"Wow! Your wisdom teeth, huh? That sounds SCARY." Or, possibly:

"You think this is bad? You know what they call 'dental surgery' in Maury County? A string and a door knob!"

But she didn't, she was kind and patient, and she validated all of my fears about my first real surgery. People on my dad's side of the family have a pretty big resilience to anesthetics and tranquilizers, so on an IV sedation, I woke up about half the way through.

"AAHG AAHFRAAG." Said I.

"Little darlin', you just sit tight. These puppies are in there real good." Said the nurse.

"FRAGG ARR FRATHAMA." I countered.

"John, give her another hit of the sedative." Said the nurse.

"She's had all she can take," Said the nurse anesthetist.

"GRAHGRAaaghhhhh," I retorted.

When they woke me up and my parents came into the room, I requested a piece of paper and a pencil. I was trying to write "I was awake the whole time." What I ended up writing was a squiggle.

The next day, I was starving, but my teeth hurt too much to eat anything stronger than broth. My little brother decided to be a jerk and eat a giant filet mignon right in front of me.

"Hey Beckyyyyy.... You HUNGRY???"

He waved the steak in front of me. Blazed on painkillers, I took a swat at him. He grinned and leapt away, deftly tearing the steak from my grasp. He sauntered into the kitchen, busted out a bottle of steak sauce, and sat down to eat.

I can only blame what happened next on the narcotics.

I staggered into the kitchen, grabbed the dripping steak from his plate with my bare hands, and walked away with it.

For once in his life, my little brother was totally speechless.

I dumped the steak sauce in the blender, dropped in the steak, and hit "LIQUIFY."

This is the result:

I share this story because last night, my little brother had five of his teeth pulled for cavities.

I will see him on Friday, at which point I look forward to making him a Steak n' Shake.

Putting the "Dead" in Deadline

We're on page 22. We've been on the road for two weeks. Jebediah got the snake in him, died just past Chimney Rock. Traded with the locals for a wagon axle and some popcorn.

Went hunting. Shot a buffalo. Caulked the wagon and floated it.

I am so tired of writing and researching. Don't wanna. Not gonna.

Okay, probably gonna.

I will keep this post short, because I have another four pages to write before I'm allowed to get in my jammies and go to sleep. Until then, I soldier on.

Woe are these deadlines.

It's Monday When the Rice Is On Fire

Hello, Monday.

We meet again. I see that somehow you caught my pot of boiling water on fire. I didn't know that was possible. It feels counter-intuitive to everything I learned in Chemistry class. Then again, I didn't do very well in Chemistry, so perhaps I merely glossed over the chapter on "Burning Water."

But I don't think I did.

Monday, I see that you and Sunday Night were in cahoots. Last night, I almost vomited up my lunch because a woefully misinformed cupcake vendor told me that my cupcake was gluten-free. It wasn't, Monday. Not at all.

After my water caught on fire, which I still don't believe, I added my rice. Five minutes later, against all odds, my rice started burning. It was my last cup of rice, Monday. But I think you knew that.

I wanted to make the perfect macrobiotic lunch to make up for my sinning on Sunday. I felt bad about that cupcake. It was wicked and wrong. But now that my last rice is gone, I'll probably have to make bean burritos with Chinese bok choi, and do you have any idea how gross that sounds? They're not even from the same continent.

So here's the deal, Monday. I'm going to make my bok choi. I'm going to do something about the fact that the only other things in the pantry right now are capers and carrots, and I'm going to throw everything in a pot and call it soup.

And next Monday, when I'm at home, I'm going to have my mom cook for me. And you won't be able to stop me.

Becky

Kale Chips, Perfected.

I have discovered the way to make the most perfect kale chips. They are more perfect than my previous kale chips, not to mention a good deal greener.

The correct way to eat these Kale Chips is laying in bed, wearing huge jammies, watching "Modern Family."'

TO CREATE A MORE PERFECT KALE CHIP

THAT IS CONSIDERABLY LESS TIME-CONSUMING THAN IT USED TO BE

AND HAS PLEASING GREEN COLOR.

1. Preheat oven to 425.

2. Take a bundle (or three, if you're me and you want to pickle yourself) of kale and rinse it in the sink. The NEW TRICK I've learned is to make the chips As Big As Possible. I rip off the bottom part of the stems with few leaves, but I leave the heads of the smaller leaves intact, and I rip the bigger ones in half just one time.

3. Take these leaves and place them in a salad spinner. Spin them with gusto.

4. Mix 3 tbsp. olive oil with 3 tbsp. white wine vinegar and a pinch of sea salt. My biggest mistake is always over-salting the chips. It's better to under-salt than over salt, believe me.

5. Place them in the oven and bake ten minutes until the smallest leaves look flat and dark green/brown. They might be a little crispy, but having crunchy, brown small leaves means that the big leaves are about perfect.

Here's how I look at it. We're in the Lord of the Rings. We're in Middle Earth. The kale chips are a pack of orcs crossing Rohan, land of the horse lords.

There are a few orcs that are stragglers, they are runty and small, and they've fallen behind the rest of the pack. Then there are the big, strong, scary Uruk-hai created by Sauroman who like to scream and apply face paint. If the small orcs get eaten, it means that the pack is stronger and can run faster. It also means that the Uruk-hai make up the majority of the pack.

Sounds delicious.

The Countdown Begins! And How Not to Make Azuki Beans

Got my Greens, my Grains, my Beans, and my Brains baked salmon.

In three short weeks, I'll begin my macrobiotic residency. It's SO HARD to believe! My last day at the tea shop is on Saturday, and believe it or not, I'm going to miss my customers a lot.

Some of them.

Not Steve.

I'm trying to clean up my diet a little bit so that when I get there, I don't detox too hard and fast. I want to bring my A-game and be the best volunteer ever! I have a feeling that it will be a lot to learn, both in terms of cooking and also culturally. I have a big personality and even bigger hair, and I know that that's uh... not exactly the macro culture. I love glitter and rhinestones and interior design and Dolly Parton and third-wave feminism, so it's going to be an interesting ride.

I feel like this is a lot like going to Scotland. I lived in Scotland in college for about six months, and it was TOTALLY a curve-ball decision for me... everybody thought I was going to Japan. I thought I was going to Japan. Apparently not, according to Mel Gibson.

I was so nervous to go, and the first night, I cried for about three hours thinking I had made a horrible mistake. It didn't help that the lights didn't work, the internet didn't work, my phone didn't work, and it got dark at 2 PM. When you're sitting alone in a sleeping bag, it's pitch black, and your dorms were erected on the site of the largest communal witch burning in world history, it feels like a message.

It ended up being the most powerful, meaningful big decision I've ever made. It redirected the course of my life. I made some amazing friends, saw places I'll remember forever, and was in the right place at the right time.

I hope this is one of those instances. I hope this is one of those "right place, right time" kind of things. If I could throw out a couple of prayer requests, I would really appreciate it if you guys would pray for me. If you could pray that God preserve my health in the winter months (when I usually get sick), that I have a welcoming heart to everyone I meet at this internship, and that I have open eyes to perceive the blessings God is introducing into my life.

Now for the grub.

(Pictured above)

GREENS, WINTERIZED

Collard Greens

2 tbsp. grated ginger root, squeezed.

1-2 tbsp. gluten-free tamari

1 tbsp. lemon juice

2 tbsp. sesame oil

Fresh mushrooms (these are shiitake), sliced into strips

Fresh onions and garlic cloves to taste, minced

Mix your liquids into a sauce (not the oil). Heat sesame oil at the bottom of a big pot, then toss in your garlic. Saute 1 minute at med-high heat, then add your onions. I like to cook these 3 minutes, so they're nice and toasty and brown.

Add your mushrooms. Swish them around about 5 minutes, until they begin to release their delicious, mushroomy juice. Add greens, then add your sauce. Stir until all the green start to wilt, then cover and cook for five minutes. Don't forget about it. I did. I burned it. Stir periodically. When the greens are dark green, you're done!

HOW NOT TO MAKE AZUKI BEANS

When you soak them overnight, do not forget about them and soak them for two days.

If you do this, rinse and drain them, then cover them and put them in the fridge, and cook them ASAP.

When you cook them, be sure you read the directions and put exactly the right amount of water in. Don't eyeball it and add six cups for one cup of beans. This only ends in sadness.

If you've been soaking them for two days, do not cook them for two hours. They will no longer be categorized as "beans." They may not even be categorized as biological, plant-based material. They become a mineral. Or possibly an element.

Season them with a splash of tamari. Do not season them with anything else. Do not listen to the anime character on the side of the bag who says " 早く！砂糖を加える！”

Do not microwave them for breakfast the next morning because you can't be bothered to use a skillet like a civilized person.

On the Efficacy of Certain Botanicals

As a tender of tea, I am often asked by the sick (and near dead), what teas will make them feel better.

As a tender of tea in Cambridge, Massachusetts, many of the people I encounter are mean and insane.

This morning, I told a woman on the phone that I wouldn't have her tea ready and waiting for her ten minutes before opening. She paused, then spoke.

"That's just not going to work for me... Becky."

I hate it when people remember my name so that they can try to manipulate me with it later. It's a common technique used by cult members. I took a course on cults in high school, and more to the point, I went to college in a shark tank, so I was prepared to respond:

"It's just going to have to work for you... Thanks!"

Some of these people aren't mean. They're just melting from disease. One of our regular customers came in last week. If we're talking desserts, he's usually a macaroon. Last week, he was old custard. It looked like if you left him on a warm windowsill, he would drip and stain the counter. A cursory examination revealed that he had a medieval plague.

"What..." he panted from the exertion of pushing his chair in, "What can you give me for a cold?" He sneezed and produced a maelstrom of snot.

"Nothing." I crossed myself for fear and took a step back.

"Seriously. I'll take anything."

"Seriously, there is nothing here that will save you. You need penicillin. Possibly experimental treatment."

He left a film of mucous behind him like Jabba the Hutt. I was relieved when he left.

Exhibit B is my favorite kind of customer. The kind that is obviously sick, and it becomes clear within ten seconds that they deserve to be that way.

Today a girl came up to the counter, eyes clouded, sniffling loudly, asking what I'd recommend for a cold. I gave her some ginger and ginseng, and she smiled and said she felt better already. Then she ordered a chocolate croissant with powdered sugar.

Um.

The all-time winner has GOT to be the next lady.

"What kinds of teas do you have for a cold?"

"Well, we have a lot of great herbals! Do you-"

"Just give me something that works."

"Well, I-"

"Look, I really don't care. I just want the best one you have."

"Our medicinal blend has rooibos, lemongrass, ginger, ginseng, and chamomile!"

"I want a large."

"Great! I'll-"

"I want it steeped in hot chocolate."

"Um..."

"..."

"Um... I don't think it'll really. You know what? Never mind. What kind of milk would you like?"

"Whole."

"Whipped cream?"

"Yes."

I don't think I need to say more. If you steep your medicinal tea blend in hot chocolate with whipped cream, there is no herb on this green planet that will save you.